Finding Joy in Divorce!
Divorce can be known as a terrible word and it was to me too, UNTIL... I actually got divorced!
So, I have a friend going through the beginning struggles of a divorce. I, myself, have been currently divorced for 5 years now (but we were separated for over a 1 year before this, so apart for over 6 years altogether). I've talked to different people, after or during divorce, about the empowering and beautiful side to divorce, because believe it or not... there is a tremendously gorgeous side to divorce! You might go "What?!" but keep reading and it will ALL make sense! XOXO
Now, don't think I am saying that divorce is all roses and butterflies because it is a difficult and an exhausting road but is oh... so beautiful too!
To give you a little background on my experience with divorce, I had been with my ex-husband for around 7 years altogether and was married more than 5 years. I was a military wife and it was NOT an easy life. My husband, at the time, was gone a lot for different training, and I was a stay-at-home mom alone with a little baby, not having any family and few acquaintances/friends where I lived in San Diego. I was alone in an unhappy marriage, depressed, negative, with no self-confidence, a changed body from having an almost 10 pound baby (YES, 10 POUNDS!! lol) and was just miserable. The only joy I really got was being with my daughter, watching her grow and teaching her how life was beautiful through nature with our little adventures with our now deceased dog, Chico. I had my daughter and Chico who got me through these extremely tough and utterly lonely times. I had to get up every day for THEM because I was struggling doing it for myself. They were my rocks and they kept me going. I will forever be grateful and cherish both of them (I'm actually starting to cry now just writing this). OKAY... moving along... well, we went to different groups for her little beautiful self, to the dog beach, hiking trails, walks, etc. I would try to act happy around other people but, when you are feeling so alone and empty inside, it can be hard to pull this off! But, I tried... so "A" for effort, right?!
Hiking in San Diego with my loves! These daily adventures helped me and, of course, being beside the two of them! Incorporating nature in your life can help you through the hardest of times.
I won't go into details about my marriage, but it was an unhappy and unfulfilling one. People would asked me later...
"Why did you stay so long?" My reply "I tried and gave it my all!"
"Aren't you mad?" My reply simply was "no."
I tried, not only for myself and our marriage, but mostly for my daughter. I knew it wasn't a good marriage, but I was trying to keep her family together, like the one I had. After moving to Florida (we were reassigned locations with the military), I realized through multiple attempts that this was not going to work anymore. For the same reason I had stayed in the marriage, I was now leaving because of it... her. Staying in an unhappy marriage without trust and real love was not good for her, it was going to hurt her and teach her what a marriage should not be! So my ex-husband and I were very civilized about it and I started making arrangements. After our whole marriage of 5 years being mostly unhappy, with sadness, I was starting to make plans for my new little family. My daughter, Chico and myself! Oh, it was so exciting. Thinking about moving on, moving forward and having a new start. I cannot even describe the feeling that was slowly but surely beginning to build inside me. The fire inside that had been gone so long with the struggles in life even before my marriage, that I had endured, and my heart that had been so empty other than with my daughter and my dog was now beginning to fill for ME!
ME...
Sometimes as adults, parents, spouses, friends, etc. we forget about... US!
As I was in the moving truck leaving Florida and beginning the drive to Wyoming, this heavy, heavy weight I had been carrying so long was slowly lifting with every mile! I knew what I was doing was right! I had almost left multiple times before, but each time we got back together. This time I knew that I was ready! I had essentially left my husband for my daughter, but was beginning to regain myself. Regain ME... I had been gone so long I didn't even realize I wasn't really there. I wasn't present in my OWN LIFE!
I never realized how truly unhappy I really was. I was just surviving before, but now... BUT NOW, I was starting to actually LIVE! I couldn't be a good friend before, I couldn't be a good mother, I couldn't be a good daughter, I couldn't be a good sister and I couldn't be good to myself; I had been so sad, miserable, etc., that how could I be? I was too busy trying to hide all the hurt, that I couldn't be anything to anyone. How do you hide all that? The answer is you don't!
People in your life that you already know, might not know what's wrong with you or question why you're distant, but they can't do anything if you aren't doing anything for yourself. The people that you just meet along the way, they will most likely be turned off by your negative vibes and you surely can't get close to them if you're distancing yourself from your loved ones.
NEW BEGINNINGS...
A little while before the divorce I had started back to school. After moving to Wyoming, I started working again and went full-steam ahead back to the next college semester. I was determined to provide for my child and myself! Remember, I had been a stay-at-home mom most of the marriage. except the last year working at a hotel while going to school full-time. So now, I worked full-time and went part-time to school! I worked my tail off! I had a goal and no one was going to stop me from that. I had my own money that I knew would only come out of my account if I took it out! I was a full-time single mom, full-time worker, part-time student and a full-time bad ass! I had never felt so happy in this crazy new busy life I had and now, I had my family! MY FAMILY was so amazing and such a support during all of this. I had forgotten how amazing they were because I had kept them at a distance for such a long time while I trying to "handle" everything on my own!
FAMILY! Hiking with my brother, niece, nephew, my child and their family pup!
Now this was tremendously hard. I was a single mom doing all of this on my own with help now from my family, of course. I was determined to come out of school debt-free from student loans. I was always struggling financially, but I kept pushing through! This also took away time for my daughter and myself. BUT, she was seeing her mom work so hard for her and showing her that destiny is what you make out of it!
Beautiful girl!
Ending notes...
Divorce IS like a death. You go through stages of grief. A marriage that you thought was forever has now died. So, you begin to mourn what you thought life was going to be and now isn't. LET YOURSELF MOURN THAT LOSS! You can never truly be happy if you just mask it all! But once you've grieved your marriage's death, you now can begin to celebrate toward the life YOU WANT! The things in the marriage that held you back are now not there anymore! Your life is YOURS again! Make it what you want with one beautiful step at a time! NEVER hate your ex; you'll end up being thankful it didn't work out. All in time and, if not now, later! Plus... you never want to give anyone that much power to hate, especially your ex!)
I hope you enjoyed this super-personal post, especially if you are having to go through a divorce or even a breakup!
The signing of MY FIRST HOUSE and celebrating with my family! (This isn't the clearest picture but what an exciting day!!!)
Feel free to comment with questions, similar experiences, etc. and share with others that are going through something similar!
My graduation party! YAY... I made it!